This Is Not Me

Tomorrow (Christmas Eve), I will be paying one more visit to one more doctor for one more test.

My heart surgeon wants to do an ultrasound on my carotid arteries. Seems this needs to be done once a year. One year and one day. I was clueless, but Christmas Eve is the day of my appointment.

This time last year I was in cardiac ICU, out like a light following double bypass surgery and a second open heart surgery on the same day. December 21. I had been in the hospital since December 18. I don’t remember anything about needing surgery, and four days are missing from my memory. Maybe five. It’s all still very strange.

Three more hospital says, a huge defibrillator implanted in my chest, sick heart, weight is down to near skeleton proportions, and it’s not over. There is more to go and there are days I am so totally pissed off – angry – that I wonder if anger goes with open heart surgery and everything that follows.

Honesty, I thought that once I finished rehab and regained my independence at home things would be so much easier. That’s not true. Everything is a challenge. But the anger and lack of gratitude bothers me the most. It’s like, “How dare you save my life?”

So, I’m going to talk with one of my cardiologists about this and see what he has to say.

This is not me …

~Catherine

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